


Letters to Chequers

by morred



Category: Thick of It (UK)
Genre: Gen, any similarity to real life is entirely deliberate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morred/pseuds/morred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Extracts from correspondence</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters to Chequers

From a prompt by [](http://lucinatrivia.livejournal.com/profile)[**lucinatrivia**](http://lucinatrivia.livejournal.com/) , who wanted some letters to Chequers.

Usual warnings apply (swearing, swearing... swearing).

  


Dear all,

Many thanks for your hard work on our inaugural press and communications team away day weekend. I know Steve appreciated the opportunity to get to know the rest of us - particularly the newer members of his team - and his enjoyment of the weekend was a testament to your dedication.

On a personal note, may I especially congratulate whoever had the foresight to put all the expensive trinkets and gewgaws on the highest shelves, and please be so kind as to pass on my admiration to whichever sommelier sourced the whisky. I was unaware anything like that was available outside Glasgow. Your awareness of the need to keep the entertaining budget low has been noted as has your zeal in protecting the treasures of Chequers.

Yours faithfully,

  


Malcolm

Malcolm Tucker  
Deputy Head of Press & Communcations

Dear all,

Thank you once again for an excellent weekend. One small note: if you check your edition of Twerps’ Peerages, you’ll discover that Prince of Darkness does actually outrank King of Cunts, in prestige if not technically in position, and you may wish to adjust your service accordingly.

My thanks also for providing some decent Islay malt this time. My colleague Jamie apologises for putting his foot through the antique chair - he was trying to reach one of the glasses from the top shelf. He will of course be covering the cost of a replacement from his wages.

Toodlepip,

Malcolm

Acting Head of Press & Communications

To: staff@chequers.gov.uk  
From: sfleming@press.gov.uk

News travels fast (as I know only too well!) so I’m sure you’re already aware I am moving on from my current role, and I wanted to thank you all for the excellent times I have had at Chequers in the course of my time within government.

Steve

To: sfleming@press.gov.uk  
From: staff@chequers.gov.uk

Dear Mr Fleming,

Thank you for your kind thoughts. We wish you well in your new job and look forward to working with your successor.

Yours sincerely,

Sebastian Fawley  
Head of Staff, Chequers

  
To: staff@chequers.gov.uk  
From:sfleming@press.gov.uk

 **THIS IS AN AUTOMATIC RESPONSE**  
Sadly, Steve is no longer working for this department. If you wished to contact him on a personal basis, please direct your emails to steve@ilikeitupthearse.com

If you wish to contact a member of the press and communications team, please forward your email to jmacdonald@press.gov.uk

  
Sebastian,

The PM asked me to pass on his sincere thanks for your attentions during our recent strategy weekend. He will, of course, be providing replacements for the teacup and saucer. I appreciate that the staff got on extremely well with the current PM’s predecessor, so I would like to add my personal thanks for your kind attentions to Tom during his first official stay with you all. Transitions between two different personalities can always be a bit tricky. I think you’ll find his wife and children delightful when they make their visit later this month.

If there’s anything I can help you with, please let me know,

Best wishes,  
Malcolm

  
To: sebastian@chequers.gov.uk  
From: mtucker@press.gov.uk

There seemed to be a fault with the telephone in the PM’s bedroom on his last visit, meaning he couldn’t make any personal calls for the entire two days he was there (what a shame mobile reception’s so crap out in the sticks - and especially when the modem or router or whatever had gone on the blink just before he arrived!) Many thanks for your help in sorting all that out - I believe the problem has now been resolved.

Cheers,  
M

  
Dear Sebastian,  
Thank you once again for the exquisite service you and your team provided. Forgive the tardiness of this missive, but I wanted to wait until I could tell you without being precipitous that the outcome of our negotiations was extremely favourable. A feat due in no small part to the excellence of the Chequers hospitality. The team from the Netherlands were bowled over, which I am sure aided friendly discussion and oiled the wheels of friendship. I am, as you know, moved almost _to tears_ but the Sèvres tea service, and I appreciate the trust you place in us by bringing it out for general use.

I’m ashamed to confess I was unable to catch the name of your staff member who brought emergency tea and biscuits at some quite ungodly hours, but she deserves the highest possible praise.

Yours ever,  
Julius

Sebastian,  
Thanks for your help the rearrangement of the room allocations. It really does work much better if all the press & comms team can be on one corridor. Midnight emergencies and all that sort of stuff. And I’m sure your staff prefer having us all in one (secure) area!

The boss is grateful as well.

Ta,

Jamie  
J Macdonald, Press & Comms

Dear Sebastian,

The PM has written a personal note of thanks (enclosed) but I wanted to express my own gratitude for the hospitality offered at Chequers during this difficult time. A respite from the press is always most welcome, particularly in surroundings so conducive to peaceful thought and amicable discussion.

Yours ever,  
Julius

PS: Apologies, personal note of thanks from the PM to follow by next post.

To: staff@chequers.gov.uk  
From: PM@gov.uk

Hi,  
Thankyou for a nice weekend. Its nice to get out of London sometimes away from those fucking paps and hacks. I think my children had fun too, kicking the football in the lawn. Next time though I would like more normal food and less poncery. My boys aren’t used to all that french stuff. I think praps you’re confusing me with the last PM, who did like that sort of thing!!  
Tom

  
To: JNicholson@blueskypolicy.gov.uk  
From: mtucker@press.gov.uk

Julius,  
Tom has sent an email to Sebastian at Chequers. Letter should follow soonest. Get a fucking move on.  
Malcolm

  
To: Julius@gmail.co.uk  
From: m_tucker@gmail.co.uk

Julius  
What the fucking fuck were you doing letting Tom near a computer unsupervised. I thought we’d agreed we wasn’t allowed near ANY communications devices without someone READING everything before he sends it. Next you’ll be reconnecting his fucking phone. Good fucking job we select Chequers staff for their discretion. Sebastian better keep his mouth more tightly shut than a nun’s cunt or they’ll be fucking _hell_ to pay. Thank you notes are your fucking job.

Sort it out, there’s a good chap - dealing with staff is your fucking forte. Use the most impressive stationery you’ve got but don’t let Tom near a fountain pen, ok.  
Best  
Mx

To: m_tucker@gmail.co.uk  
From: julius@gmail.co.uk

Dear Malcolm,  
My apologies - there was an administrative error and few difficulties in communication which lead to the regrettable email being sent. I should, however, like to point out that it is _not_ my job to act as the Prime Minister’s _minder_. I thought you had several underlings you had appointed to do that very task. Though I assume they are now decorating spikes outside the Tower or something equally _barbaric_.

Tom has written a very nice letter in his best handwriting, which is now being sent to Chequers.  
Yours, etc.  
Julius

Dear Sebastian,  
Many thanks to you and your team for all your hard work. The essence of the best service is that it passes unnoticed, with guests barely aware of it’s presence, but that doesnt mean it should pass unthanked.

Sarah and I and the boys had a great weekend - so nice to get away from it all! And so lovely for the boys to have a kickaround with some of the younger members of staff!

My apologies for the tone of my earlier email - its easy to be seduced by the informality of the medium, especially under pressure.

Once again, many thanks,  
Best wishes,  
Tom

To: Julius@blueskypolicy.gov.uk  
From: Jmacdonald@press.gov.uk

Much better, Baldy. Though you should have left in a few spelling mistakes to make it realistic. Malc says remember the legacy meeting at 4pm.

To: jmacdonald@press.gov.uk  
From: julius@blueskypolicy.gov.uk

I did. Three, in fact. Errant apostrophes are _upsetting_ but it’s all in the line of duty, I suppose.

Tell Malcolm I shall bring biscuits.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Lucinatrivia at The Thick of It livejournal community.


End file.
